Begin Again

I have not blogged in years for a variety of reasons. I am beginning again today because I find that I am feeling a need to record some of the thoughts that go sailing through my brain on a daily basis. Facebook seems to not be the right forum for me to express my opinions. I am to wordy and not articulate enough to reduce what I want to express to a few sentences. I feel narcissistic putting my thoughts in the more public world of Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram, yet I feel a need to get them out there. Maybe it is because my family is going through so many challenges right now, maybe it is because some of our challenges seem lonely and common yet taboo. Anyway, for what it is worth... and really just for myself I am going to try blogging again.

Yesterday was Mother's Day. Mother's Day is not a day that I love, not because I don't want to love and appreciate my mother, but probably more that it is a day that as a mother i feel expectations that often go unmet. It is probably not fair to my family for me to have these expectations, yet there they are, served up with a thick side of guilt and frustration with myself (I am not a perfect mother you know). Yesterday though, everyone in my family did something that made me feel special and loved. I never want something grand (although that could be rad), I really just want to know that in some way my family appreciates the sacrifices I make as a mother. Let's be honest though, that is not their job, nor their obligation and sometimes I am sure society wants me to think that if I am doing my job right then they would be totally unaware. I however think about it a little differently. I think there is a fine line between letting my children know that I do sacrifice (willingly) for them and not wanting them to feel guilty about the sacrifices I willingly make. I don't want my family growing up believing that the mother's job is to sacrifice tirelessly and happily all of the time for their families. I want all of my children growing up understanding that parenthood is a sacrifice, but that it is worth it. That being a parent means giving up things sometimes, but that having a family is worth the joy of sacrifice. I do not want them all entering their future families believing that the parents are martyrs, or slaves to the family, expected to give up everything to make things work. Then there is the issue of putting women up on a pedestal for Mother's Day that few of us feel worthy of... a day when our own imperfections seem blatantly obvious to us. It can feel like a 24 hour guilt trip.

I am rambling, but basically. Mother's Day brings out the best and the worst of these feelings within myself. Yesterday though, was wonderful. It was the small gestures that each family member made that helped me to feel loved and special to them. I am sure I failed miserably at making my own mother feel this way, I just get overwhelmed when shopping for her at finding something that is worthy of a woman who sacrificed so much and has given everything that she was able to give for my brother and I. I let my disdain for this day... the day filled with so many mixed emotions for me, get in the way of celebrating my mother and the other women in my life who are mother's or who mother my children in some way. I am not sure how to fix these feelings within myself, but maybe as well all navigate this holiday each year together, we are all hopefully improving.

I am sure I will never me Mother of the Year, but I might be up for Okayest Mom... or maybe Most Adequate Mom, and I think that might just be good enough for me.